Thursday, July 28, 2011

G.I. Joke

Hollywood hates us.

That's the only explanation I can come up with when I hear that there's going to be a sequel to G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

Yep, that's right, someone at Paramount decided that they hadn't tarnished our childhood memories quite enough and that a sequel to 2009's schlock-fest was in order.

As much as I've come to accept the fact that Hollywood will continue to piss all over beloved childhood memories of great, established, franchises, this still sits wrong with me.

I know why too: It's such a blatant slap in the face to those of us that grew up with G.I Joe.  It's easy to dismiss the first movie as a simple misstep of filmmaking.  It happens.

Know what doesn't just happen?  Terrible sequels.

I know people are probably reading this and saying: "How can you judge the movie before it's even made?"

Easy.  I'm a pretentious film-snob and I am also capable of reading!

Seriously.  Most of the original cast isn't even coming back!  Not that they'll be missed, but when I see that only four or five members of an "ensemble cast" (I guess we can call it that) are coming back, that's a red flag!

Not even Marlon Wayans is coming back.  If a Wayans brother abandons ship, you know there's something bad on the horizon.

I loved your work in
'Race to Witch Mountain'...
Oh, but no worries, because we've replaced Wayans with The Rock.  Yep, Dwayne Johnson himself will be portraying 'Roadblock.'  I don't even dislike Dwayne Johnson, but let's face facts: He hasn't had a great track record of hit movies.

But you know what?  That still isn't the part that scares me.

What scares me is the fact that they've replaced Stephen Sommers, the man who directed The Rise of Cobra, with Jon Chu.

Now, most people may not be familiar with Mr. Chu, so I'll give you a  bit of his film making history.

Jon Chu really hit it big with another Channing Tatum vehicle: Step-Up 2!  He followed that up with Step-Up 3D, and broadened his horizons when he worked as a writer/director on the hit show The LXD: The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers.

Are we seeing a pattern yet?

But have no fear, for Jon Chu is no one-trick-pony.  His most recent work was directing a documentary that actually saw a theatrical release.

What documentary was that?

Well, it was Justin Beiber: Never Say Never, of course!

Because when I ask myself questions like: "Who should be directing a live-action adaptation of such a beloved action franchise?  Who best to recover from The Rise of Cobra and turn G.I. Joe into the Real American Hero he's supposed to be?  What man is up to this job?"

I immediately think of the guy who directed such timeless classics like Step-Up 3D.

I think I've made my point.